Why Can’t You Read My Mind? By Katie Parsons

It’s an argument so universal that it has almost become cliché for couples. We all know the typical sitcom scene where an annoyed wife rolls her eyes because her husband can’t figure out why she is upset with him (Hint: It is usually because he forgot a birthday or anniversary). The reason this scene is rewritten and replayed again and again is simple: It’s funny because it’s true. 

Psychologist Nikki Martinez of the BetterHelp  network has worked with couples for 15 years and she says the most common argument she sees is the ‘read my mind’ fight where one partner expects the other to know what he/she is thinking.

“People assume that the other just automatically knows what they are thinking and feeling, and I’d say 95 percent of the time they are wrong,” said Martinez.

Whether we’re talking about housework, childrearing, or spending money, actual thoughts  often do not align with what is communicated. This can lead to unwarranted resentment, which can rear its ugly head at seemingly out-of-place moments.

Martinez says that these fights are easy to avoid, but it takes a fundamental shift in the way couples talk to each other. Martinez gives the following tips for sidestepping the mind-reading argument and avoiding unnecessary tension in relationships.

ASK QUESTIONS

Don’t just guess what a spouse or significant other may need from you. If you aren’t sure, ask that person for specifics. If your partner seems cranky or you sense negative energy, ask for a reason why in a way that is non-defensive.

DON’T ASSUME

If you are a stay-at-home mom who has been with the kids all day, don’t assume that your husband will come home from a long day at work and take over child duty for the rest of the night. Let him know in advance of arrival that you would love a break. The same is true of partners who want a little more time for themselves, help with household projects, etc.

“I always ask my patients, ‘Did you ask them for that help?’ and often they have not,” says Martinez. If a partner isn’t acting the way you want, make sure your expectations have been clearly communicated. 

LOOK AT OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, TOO

Though couples are the most likely pairing for the “read my mind” fight, it happens outside romantic relationships all the time, too. Parents and children do it to each other, and so do co-workers. By never addressing needs expressly, resentment can build up between the parties involved, and that can erupt into arguments.

“It’s important to say what is on your mind,” said Martinez. “Assuming anyone can read it, even a person who knows you better than anyone else, is an impossible expectation and will lead to arguments.”